April 30, 2010

Bout Time For Some New Rules

If a woman wears a tube top, it is perfectly acceptable to pull it down.

If a hot woman bends over in front of you..go ahead..get some.

If you are in the presence of sunburnt boobs, bongo the shit out of them.

If you see a womans "whale tale" hanging out, free wedgey!

Guys should be nut checked once a day, just to keep them on their toes.

If a woman is NOT wearing a bra it is acceptable to comment/tweak or pull on her hard nipples. (same goes for a dude in a bathing suit).

If you don't like what someone else is wearing, feel FREE to tell them and go into great detail the list of reasons why.

April 26, 2010

CommEWEnity Theater

Recently there has been a huge outcry about Florida's funding of the arts or lack or cut of said funds. Heres the thing, as an actor, improvist and overall theatrical guy, I think what the art "community" doesn't realize is that "art" is a HOBBY and doesn't deserve free money. Stick with me on this one, it may piss you off (but i promise there is a point).

Lets say your a golfer. Not a Tiger Woods golfer, but a fairly good weekend golfer none the less. Some rich guy buys a huge chunk of land and builds a golf course to play on. He keeps it impeccibly maintained, stocks a nice snack bar and even lets you practice for free before a big tournement. Of course when the tourney takes place, he charges YOU a $100 entry fee and also charges the people who want to watch Tiger kick your ass $200 each for a nice seat on the 9th fareway (thats like the 50 yard line, right?). This scenario goes on all over the world probably every weekend and there is even a tv channel dedicated to showing it 24 hours a day.

The rich guy took a chance, invested in a business to support his hobby, ended up making some good money over all and has a nice house to show for it.

NOW lets say he makes some bad choices/the economy tanks/his wife leaves him and takes her half...whatever..and he winds up not being able to hold the big upcoming tournament. What should he do? Surely there must be a Funding for The Golfs. After all, golf is(so im told)a legitimate sport. Hell, it's even in the olympics. The answer of course being NO, fuck the course owner. He lost the business game, no take backs, no bail outs!

With all of that being spewed, replace that golf course scenario with a theater in your town. Theater is a business(Community theater is a hobby). If a person is going to open a theater they should do so with the understanding they need money. Not "funding" money, but business money. Just like the above golf course, get a wad of cash, open your theater, sell tickets at a price that will both pay your rent and pay your actors and thrive on till your a gozillionare, broke, retired or living comfortable.

If your running a theater and not paying your actors, where the hell is that ticket money going? Rent you say? Then you arn't running a business, your running a HOBBY.

Don't get me wrong, community/hobby theater is an outstanding way for actors, directors, producers and crew to learn the craft of theater. But if you can't at least throw them some gas money or buy them a meal each night then you, as the theater/hobbiest are simply using people to stroke your ego and accomodate your hobby.

Why is there a Funding for The Arts but not a Funding for Fat Guys Who Eat Twinkies in Public? Hmm maybe Twinkie guy just needs to call his lunch an "installation".

Discuss

April 13, 2010

Ewe Poor Sick Bastard

As far as conspiracy theorys go, The Bilderberg Group fuels some of the finest around. If your not familiar with them and their story, click the link, read all about it and come on back.

One of their biggest missions is population control. Obviously there are way to damn many sheep fuckers on this planet and for years the group has devised ways to thin the herd. Follow me on this for a minute, it gets sort of wierd.

Lets start with AIDS. When I was growing up in the 70's there was no AIDS (that we knew of) then from out of nowhere, some African guy apparently sexes up a monkey, said monkey bites some other person and in the span of 6 years every gay guy in a bathhouse is spreading AIDS through out the world (nut shell). It becomes a pandemic, millions die, still no cure. Perfect! The group has found a way to thin a portion of the herd.

Perfect though, may not be so perfect. People realize how to prevent it (condoms) with little to no help from the CDC. DAMNIT, they say in their smug voices. Them faggots are too smart for us. We need a better idea.

You got it boss!  Asian Bird Flu, party of 3 million. what better way to spread a herd thinner that to attach it to a bird! They fly all over the world, shitting on people of every race, age and sex. Its the perfect way to spread it, not get blamed for it and sence they bred it in Asia, the most populated place in the world, more people will die off per capita and our work is done. WHAT? Well fuck me, they say again in their collective smugness. Asians invent everything, we should have seen it coming. Stupid respirator masks. Who knew they would make a fashion statement out of them? Balls gentlemen, BALLS I say!  Anybody got a plan C?

Well boss, we could..now stay with me...we could ask some of our own farmers to fuck with the feed and develope something right here. I mean damn, everybody eats FOOD. Especially them negros. Perfect!
SWINE FLU!  You pork lovin, ham sucking, pork rind eatin dumb asses will never know what hits ya. Go ahead, enjoy another hot dog ya fat bastard, we'll make more.

So, here is the big picture problem. Not all people will want to some to all of these partys and they especially won't all show up fast enough to make a dent in the population. You see, now that we are sitting in a huge recession (also controlled by them) people are broke and can't afford to go out and buy new toys or take fun vacations SOOOO they stay home and fuck and breed and RE-FILL the population quicker that people are dying off.

My god Jim, what do we do? WHAT, DO, WE, DO? Force it on them damnit! These sheep fuckers are getting cocky. How dare they not die off when we want them to. Get that guy that apprenticed with Dr. Kavorkian to develope a vaccine we can inject straight into them. We'll sell it as a preventitive. Lord knows they will never question it/ (insert evil laugh)

**you do all know that vaccines contain small traces of what ever it is supposed to"prevent" in each innoculation don't you?**

Unfortunatly, some dumbass figured they could not only thin the herd, but make MONEY off this plan. Greed is usually at the sorce of all good plans. So they figured, HEY, lets not only shoot this crap into their arms, but charge them 25 bucks for the privilage. (insert another evil laugh).

You dumbass' the people we are trying to get rid of don't HAVE money, thats half the reason we want to get rid of them in the FIRST place. They are scum, they have nothing, they are dregs on society, they are The UnderClass. We should just give it out for free. You know these sheep fuckers will take our handouts, they have already bled social security, welfare and food stamps dry.

:drumroll: HEALTH CARE REFORM!  Free death for everyone! Population control by 2014!
We Will Win! We Will Win!

April 6, 2010

Tattoo Ewe

I fully support the art of tattooing. They can be meaningful, inspirational and downright amazing as both an art form and a personal statement.

I personally feel though that not everyone on this planet should get a tattoo. There are some people that it just doesn't work for and some people that just don't have the smarts to make an educated decision on content.

Take for instance, black folks. Most if not all that I have seen on said folks are done in black ink...what the hell? Not only does it not show up from 3 feet away, but its really such a waste of money. If I was the artist approached by said folk, I would advise them to get their design made into a t-shirt or some other form of displayable artwork.

There is also the subject of placement to consider. While you, as a young lady, might think it looks awesome to have them up and down your legs and arms, I can tell you first hand, they do NOT look awesome when you hit 50+. By this point in your "awesome" life they look like dripping, blotchy blue bed sores. Also keep in mind that while may have built up the courage to whip out that perky left tit for an artist to lovingly caress, fondle and ink at age 19, at 64 you will have to lower the waist band on your stretch capris to show your lover what is now a MUCH lower tattoo. And nobody needs to see THAT!

As for content, remember people, it's for LIFE! Make sure it has some form of meaning (even if small). Do you really want to explain to your grandkids why your belly button is now a pussy for some pin-up girl? Think about every situation you could possibly be in, are you sure there won't come a time when that spider web on your neck won't hinder you from making a paycheck or being sworn in as an elected official or adopting that pressious new pet monkey? Think about it 3 times before your artist fires up that needle gun, there are NO take-backs in the tattoo game. I would even recommend that after figuring out your design, consulting with an artist and getting it all down to the inking, STOP, go have lunch, let it marinate, then walk back into that shop confident that you are making the right decision (this works with buying a car as well).

OH!! One last note: Band Names!!  If the band hasn't been a band for at least 20 years for god sake don't even think about it!
Queen emblem = perfectly acceptable
N-Sync = only if your in the band
Vampire Weekend = who the sheep fucker are they by 2013.

April 1, 2010

I Don't Owe Ewe Shit

We've had the X, Y and Z generations. Yuppies, Guppies and others that escape me. This seems to be the decade of the ME generation.

I have noticed an all to awful trend sprouting up among the 20 somethings that may suggest we owe them something (or everything). They have no work ethic, no sence of responsibility and assume that we are the bastards if we can not supply it to them. I personally believe it all began with "The Time Out".

Gone are the days of woop'n a kids ass when they got out of line. Gone are the days when any adult in the neighborhood, mall, theater or community area could grab a kid by the arm (hard) and tell them to knock it the FUCK off. Before you go clicking away screaming ABUSE, hear me out. I know the world has changed. I know that some people have no control over temper, emotion or power. I KNOW there are child abusers out there. I'm not talking about grabbing the cord off the iron and whipping the hell out of a kid till he is black and blue and bleeding (thats so 1940). I'm talking about an ATTENTION grabbing swat to the fleshy part of the ass. I'm talking about physically pulling an ill behaved child away from an out of control situation which he/she is the catalist of.

At the exact point in history that first little sheep fucker called DCF and cried that he was being abused, all parental power and authority was compromised. Kids now think they have RIGHTS! Ha! They have the right to be healthy, dry and educated, thats IT. They do not have the right to ask why, they do not have the right to question your decision as a parent/adult and they sure as HELL do not have the right to talk back in a manner anything less than respectful.

If children arn't taught to EARN things by working hard either by physical labor or respectful behavior then we will have a world filled with, well, filled with the people surrounding us as we speak.

Take a look at shows like Super Nanny. Proposterous! If a child were to hit me, bite me or spit on me the way these "time out" kids do, they would be soaking their pressious little behinds in ice to try and ease the pain due their behavior. Sure the nicey nicey seems all good and "correct" but don't think for one minute that these kids will change. In fact, 15 years from now they will be treating their spouses the same way, complaining to their bosses that they are over worked because they missed their break and quitting job after job because "its haaaarddd". Unfortunately their bosses or adult friends will not be able to tell them what their parents should have told them when they were 8 years old....

I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!